Paradox

Paradox: two ideas that seem to contradict each other while still existing simultaneously, each idea experienced as true.

For example: You can't really affect or control the choices or behavior of another, you can control only yourself. AND ALSO You affect others and are effected by them in a range of ways from the most overt and direct to the most subtle and unnoticed.

One friend says, "When you find a paradox, you've found a sliver of truth." Another says, "When you think you've found a paradox, one of the ideas is wrong." I know of wisdom writings that say, "Look for the middle way, it is neither this nor that, but some combination you have not yet understood. Look how the empty spaces define all the filled-in places."

I prefer the notion of slivers of truth, and perhaps some third way.

All the animals I've ever observed exhibit some caution, even fear, in their ways of being in their environment. All seek survival. Is that different from having a fear of death?

There is a thought that fear of public speaking has fear of death at its root. In primitive ages survival depended on group membership. In that reality, if an individual spoke in a way that drew group disfavor she risked ostracization and death.

Over the summer I became aware that at some deep, unconscious place I felt that if I could not draw positive attention as a member of a group I might cease to exist. I told this to one friend who said, "Of course, that's a very primal fear. An infant who cannot draw caring attention will, indeed, cease to exist, and we easily internalize that infantile, felt experience and carry it under our conscious thoughts."

For now it's comforting to hold in my conscious awareness the warm thought that I do exist, whether anyone notices or not. I exist. You too. We have life, we are life.

I have regained much of my strength following this summer's illness. Yet I will never again be as young as I am today. And some level of conscious awareness smiles and whispers, "You, too, will surely die."

In managing pain, I have learned that fear of pain just makes things worse. When I can relax into noticing exactly what hurts and which of the various kinds of too-intense sensations defines my pain in the moment, I have a foot on the path toward less pain. That is, there will be some relief if I turn toward the pain instead of letting fear of pain cause me to try to turn away.

What will happen if I continue to turn toward whatever comes, including my physical decline toward death instead of trying to pretend I will live forever? Will I spend less money on doctors and medical tests and drugs, spend more of my varied resources on my own initiative to care for my health? Will I eat more carefully and continue to exercise because I know I will feel better in the near term for such persistence? Where is the balance between turning toward joyful life and also holding a fearless, conscious awareness of death?

I learn so much from those with whom I share my life, family, friends and associates traveling in the caravan with me, either ahead of me, beside me, or coming along after me. If we can not have a shared, thoughtful conversation about the reality of death because everyone is trying to run away from their fear of death, then how am I to be wise? Are you in the don't talk camp? Just because you are right does not mean I am wrong.

(P.S. And paradox could also just be two medical types...)